sway

this is what is going on when i lay out the solitaire.

i try to minimize my commitment to any particular line of play until the issue is forced. i want to build some end sequences. until i get some kings down, i have to weave these into one another. there are some cards you want to get out early because there is another you will have to bury.

try to get a four onto a ten seven and keep it there. but if it is raining threes, play it and hope to be able to bury another. and so on, through fifty-two cards.

and then another hand, and then another. but just three.

as each hand is ending some recurring pattern in the play or some aspect of how the last few cards fall will echo as a narrative.

for example, today. after the first hand, which was successful, i heard "four holding onto two, looking for six." so i wrote it down. and after the second hand it was "eight wands withheld." and after the third hand i wrote "forced to choose the seven [wands], at the expense of seven pentacles."

and i left a few lines between each of these phrases, to go back and insert interpretations of these observations.

under "four holding onto two," i noted "trying to preserve the sense of having just started," and for "looking for six," i wrote "reacting to the perceptions of others." after "eight wands withheld," i put "cannot let go of the rough and tumble, the need for excitement." for "forced to choose the seven [wands]," i wrote "each asserting precedence (or is it just me)," and for "at the expense of seven pentacles," i put "indecision."

and then i wrote a narrative based on this, which read,

i feel i am trying to be open to seeing L. in ever new ways. but there are many habits of behavior and communication between us. many center around my neuroses. not also hers? who is to say.

 

how to drop the neuroses.

 

again, i think the exercise is to take each day anew as much as you can. even in the awareness you can't quite. identify your triggers and ride them out instead of reacting. to the extent you can. and then keep trying to raise the bar.

 

the cards say maybe it's you. can you give it up? why seven pentacles? is it like an addiction?

 

in suares' system seven would be lovers rather than chariot. discernment within rather than control without.

 

maybe it is a fear of material success. self-sabotage, which actually L. has mentioned, though it is a meme i have recounted to her many times. but apparently she has adopted the view.

 

nine, breaking off versus enduring or complacency.

king clubs blocking jack spades

and then i sit and reflect on how this particular narrative emerged. it is a meditative practice, reminding me how my thoughts arise and how this chatter shapes what i imagine is going on. we are telling ourselves these stories all the time.

by identifying these patterns, we can see them for what they are and maybe begin to free ourselves from their sway.