i
try to minimize my commitment to any particular line of play until
the issue is forced. i want to build some end sequences. until i
get some kings down, i have to weave these into one another. there
are some cards you want to get out early because there is another you
will have to bury.
try
to get a four onto a ten seven and keep it there. but if it is
raining threes, play it and hope to be able to bury another. and so
on, through fifty-two cards.
and
then another hand, and then another. but just three.
as
each hand is ending some recurring pattern in the play or some aspect
of how the last few cards fall will echo as a narrative.
for
example, today. after the first hand, which was successful, i heard
"four holding onto two, looking for six." so i wrote it
down. and after the second hand it was "eight wands withheld."
and after the third hand i wrote "forced to choose the seven
[wands], at the expense of seven pentacles."
and
i left a few lines between each of these phrases, to go back and
insert interpretations of these observations.
under
"four holding onto two," i noted "trying to preserve
the sense of having just started," and for "looking for
six," i wrote "reacting to the perceptions of others."
after "eight wands withheld," i put "cannot let go of
the rough and tumble, the need for excitement." for "forced
to choose the seven [wands]," i wrote "each asserting
precedence (or is it just me)," and for "at the expense of
seven pentacles," i put "indecision."
and
then i wrote a narrative based on this, which read,
i feel i am trying
to be open to seeing L. in ever new ways. but there are many habits
of behavior and communication between us. many center around my
neuroses. not also hers? who is to say.
how to drop the
neuroses.
again, i think the
exercise is to take each day anew as much as you can. even in the
awareness you can't quite. identify your triggers and ride them out
instead of reacting. to the extent you can. and then keep trying to
raise the bar.
the cards say maybe
it's you. can you give it up? why seven pentacles? is it like an
addiction?
in suares' system
seven would be lovers rather than chariot. discernment within rather
than control without.
maybe it is a fear
of material success. self-sabotage, which actually L. has mentioned,
though it is a meme i have recounted to her many times. but
apparently she has adopted the view.
nine, breaking off
versus enduring or complacency.
king clubs blocking
jack spades
and
then i sit and reflect on how this particular narrative emerged. it
is a meditative practice, reminding me how my thoughts arise and how
this chatter shapes what i imagine is going on. we are telling
ourselves these stories all the time.
by
identifying these patterns, we can see them for what they are and
maybe begin to free ourselves from their sway.
